What If the Behavior You Judge in Others Is Keeping Your Business Small?

Recently, I was on a marketing webinar with more than 500 people.

The woman leading it was talking about something remarkably ordinary.

Reach out to your ideal clients.

Call them. Send an email. Start a conversation. Send a thoughtful DM.

Then I watched the chat blow up. You could almost feel the resistance rising through the chat.

“I could never do that.”

“I hate when people do that to me.”

“It feels so salesy.”

“It feels smarmy.”

“I don't want to be that person.”

I found myself fascinated by the intensity of the response. Not because I believe everyone should start cold messaging strangers. Not because all outreach is good outreach. It isn't.

I was fascinated by something deeper.

Then, the very next day, an email landed in my inbox from a highly successful female entrepreneur I know.

Her message?

Many brilliant women hold back from marketing because it feels pushy. Performative. Like they're bothering people or becoming someone they're not.

I laughed when I read it. I had just been writing about exactly this. Except I know there's another layer underneath it.

What are you making that behavior mean?

Two women can observe exactly the same marketing behavior and experience it very differently.

One sees someone confidently reaching out to a potential client and thinks:

She's starting a conversation. Look at her go! The webinar leader actually stated that she truly admires the hustle of someone who takes the extra step and she often hires them.

Another watches the same behavior and thinks:

She's pushy. Who does she think she is? How dare she!?!

One sees a woman talking openly about her expertise and thinks:

She's making it easier for people to understand how she can help and admires them.

Another thinks:

She's full of herself. I could never do that!

One sees consistent visibility and thinks:

She's committed to growing her business.

Another thinks:

She really likes attention.

The behavior may be the same while the meaning we attach to it is very different.

This is where the work of Dr. Carl Jung becomes interesting.

Jung wrote extensively about projection, the unconscious process through which something within us becomes attached to what we perceive in someone else.

One of his most striking observations was:

“Projections change the world into the replica of one's own unknown face.”

In other words, we don't experience other people completely objectively. We experience them through our own beliefs, associations, experiences and perceptions.

That doesn't mean every negative reaction you have to another person is a projection.

Sometimes someone really is being pushy.

Sometimes marketing really is manipulative.

Sometimes a DM really is inappropriate.

Discernment matters.

The more interesting question is what happens when your interpretation of someone else's behavior starts determining what you will and will not allow yourself to do.

“I don't want anyone to think that about me.”

This is the part I believe many women miss.

If you decide that women who talk confidently about their accomplishments are arrogant, what happens when it's time for you to talk about yours?

You may shrink them.

If you decide that people who initiate sales conversations are pushy, what happens when your business requires you to initiate a conversation?

You may avoid it.

If you decide that highly visible entrepreneurs are attention-seeking, what happens when your next level of growth requires greater visibility?

You may hide.

If you believe following up means bothering someone, you may never follow up.

If you believe selling means pressuring people, you may wait for potential clients to approach you instead.

If you believe self-promotion is distasteful, you may quietly hope your work speaks for itself.

This is where judgment can quietly become your business strategy.

Not consciously. I know for sure that you don't sit down on Monday morning and decide:

Today I'm going to make it unnecessarily difficult for people to discover me.

You simply don't want to become the kind of person you have judged.

So you stay safely on the other side of that line, and that line is exactly where your next level of growth is waiting.

This isn't a marketing problem

The women I work with aren't beginners.

They're intelligent. Accomplished. Experienced.

They know businesses need marketing.

They know visibility matters.

They know conversations create opportunities.

They know people cannot buy something they don't know exists.

So the more interesting question isn't:

“Do you know what to do?”

It's:

“What stops you from consistently doing what you already know?”

Often, there is an unexamined association sitting underneath the behavior.

If I reach out, I'll look desperate.

If I talk about my success, people will think I'm bragging.

If I become more visible, people will judge me.

If I sell confidently, I'll become one of those people.

If I take up too much space, someone won't like me.

Consciously, you may be saying:

I want to grow.

While another part of you is saying:

Just don't do anything that might cause people to judge you.

Those two instructions don't work particularly well together.

I've watched something change in successful entrepreneurs

Over the years, I've noticed an interesting shift in women as they become more deeply connected to who they are.

They compare themselves less.

Other people's success feels less threatening.

Other people's opinions carry less authority.

They become less reactive to how other people choose to run their businesses.

Instead of constantly asking:

What will they think?

They begin asking:

What is right for me?

That is a very different place from which to build a business.

You can look at someone's marketing and decide:

That's not how I want to do it.

Without needing to decide:

She's awful for doing it.

That distinction matters.

You can dislike someone's approach without making their behavior a rule about yours.

You can decide not to cold message strangers while still being willing to start thoughtful conversations.

You can dislike aggressive selling while becoming exceptionally good at inviting people to work with you.

You can reject performative visibility while allowing yourself to be genuinely seen.

You can refuse manipulation without refusing influence.

You can sell without becoming “salesy.”

What if the quality you're judging is one you haven't fully given yourself permission to own?

Jung's concept of the shadow offers another interesting lens here.

We often think of the shadow as containing only the parts of ourselves we don't like.

It can also include qualities or capacities we haven't fully allowed ourselves to express.

Boldness.

Ambition.

Visibility.

Certainty.

Confidence.

The willingness to ask.

The willingness to hear no.

The willingness to occupy space.

The willingness to say, I'm very good at what I do, and I can help you.

So when another woman's visibility really irritates you, the useful question isn't automatically:

Am I secretly just like her?

That's far too simplistic.

A more interesting question might be:

What am I reacting to, and is there something within that behavior that I haven't given myself permission to express in my own way?

Perhaps you don't want her version of boldness.

Fine.

What does your version look like?

Perhaps you don't like the way she sells.

Fine.

How would you sell with integrity?

Perhaps her visibility feels performative.

Fine.

What would authentic visibility look like for you?

Now you're no longer building your behavior in reaction to someone else.

You're choosing it.

Try some compassionate observation

The next time you find yourself having a strong reaction to how another entrepreneur markets, sells, shows up or talks about her success, get curious before you dismiss her.

Ask yourself:

What specifically am I reacting to?

What meaning have I attached to that behavior?

What have I decided this behavior says about the person doing it?

Then ask the question I find particularly revealing:

Where might I be stopping myself because I don't want anyone to think the same thing about me?

If women who talk about their achievements are “show-offs,” where are you hiding yours?

If confident women are “too much,” where are you making yourself less?

If selling is “smarmy,” where are you waiting for clients to magically find you?

If visibility is “attention-seeking,” where are you making yourself unnecessarily difficult to see?

There is no predetermined answer.

This isn't an exercise in proving that every judgment is wrong.

It's compassionate observation.

You're simply becoming curious about whether the meaning you've attached to someone else's behavior is influencing your own.

Your next revenue ceiling may not be a strategy problem

You can have the right offer.

The right strategy.

Years of expertise.

A beautiful website.

A clear ideal client.

None of those things can fully compensate for an internal rule that says:

Don't draw too much attention to yourself.

Don't ask.

Don't bother people.

Don't look ambitious.

Don't talk about yourself too much.

Don't give anyone a reason to judge you.

Those rules don't appear on your business plan.

They appear in your behavior.

You hesitate.

You soften the message.

You don't send the email.

You don't follow up.

You don't make the invitation.

You overthink the post.

You stay safely behind your brand.

The strategy may already be sitting on your desk.

The question is whether the woman you're being feels free to execute it.

What changes when you stop building your business through other people's eyes?

You become more discerning, not less.

You can be visible without being performative.

Direct without being aggressive.

Confident without dominating.

Ambitious without apology.

You can reach out because you genuinely believe a conversation may be valuable.

You can hear “no” without making it mean something about your worth.

You can see another woman's success without making it evidence of your inadequacy.

You can see marketing you dislike without needing either to copy it or condemn it.

You simply choose.

From your values.

From your identity.

From the woman you have decided to be.

So the next time you hear yourself thinking:

Oh, I could never do that...

Don't stop there.

Get curious.

Ask:

What about their behavior is bugging me?

You may discover that the behavior itself was never the real issue.

The meaning you attached to it was.

Your next revenue ceiling isn't broken by doing more.

You’ll break through your revenue ceiling when you reconnect with who you truly are and give yourself permission to build your business from that identity.